A lot of things piss me off. More than average I’d say, so I’ve decided to make a section just for them topics. Miserable? Yes – but don’t judge me just yet, see how many you can relate to first! First up, I hate shaving.
I hate shaving. Nothing about it pleases me really, only the end result – and if that wasn’t the case then I’d quit. I don’t shave every day (see below) and it still irritates me!
Ok, I said four reasons, so here they are:
1. The shaving preparation
I’ll be happily going about my evening – having arrived home from work I will bath Evelyn and put her to bed if its my turn. Kathryn and I will have dinner and watch TV, or do something equally as useless before I moan about it already being time for bed. Getting up off the couch and making that involuntary groaning noise people make when age creeps up on them, I head upstairs to brush my teeth.
I like to make my lips form “ooo, aaa, eee” sounds and do some kind of messed up karaoke to a song that’s stuck in my head when brushing my teeth, it passes the time quicker – because let’s face it, that’s a boring task too. The song’s usually the Peppa Pig theme tune, or something equally as grim.
That’s when I’ll spot the yeti’s arse in the mirror. My face. I’ll recover, do a double take and realise I need a shave, I wasn’t prepared for this and my mood drops faster than the sigh that accompanies it. My face is bone dry though, I showered when I got changed after work. Shit! Nothing worse than unprepared skin for a shave. I can either prepare by planning a shower before the shave, or using a hot towel (really, who does that?), or suffer with a spontaneous shave.
That brings me to point number 2:
2. The furious fire and itch that is razor burn
This is worse if I’m unprepared for a shave and I have to just quickly splash my face with warm water and put shaving cream on. The hairs aren’t ready for it. They’re stubborn, and they don’t go without a fight! They like my face and they cling on to it with all their bastard might.
Every shave for me is essentially two shaves. I shave with the grain first to get rid of the bulk of the hair, then I’ll put cream on again and shave against the grain so I at least get a few hours of not having a face that feels like toast. I’m so tired of being told “if you hate shaving rashes so much then just shave with the grain”. If I do that, I may as well not shave.
There is a sweet spot in the life span of my razor blade where I can shave pain-free. But like the sweet spot in the ripeness of a pear it races by unnoticed if I’m not careful. I’ve been using the Gillette Mach 3 for years, the blades are a rip off but they’re cheaper than the other kinds and the price to skin-peel ratio is acceptable(ish). It’s still not good by any stretch of the imagination. I know what you’re thinking – “Kathryn is using it on her legs”. Well she isn’t – I’ve positioned it on a certain tile, at a certain angle, and it hasn’t moved day to day. She’s not using it.
The next morning I am being impaled by my own bristle. It’s like there are a thousand Borrowers and they’re all poking me right in the face with their shitty little swords. I’ve tried all kinds of lotions and balms, not one has worked. Not one! They’re not cheap either.
Stay the hell away from my face you little shits!
I’m unable to shave until the stubble is at least a 3-day stubble. I’ve even mentioned this in job interviews, how stupid is that? If I attempt it sooner then I look like I’ve just done a DIY skin graft with the skin off a monkey’s arse.
This is 1.5 days’ growth. You can still see how sore it was.
If any shaving companies out there want to send me stuff to try, then I’ll gratefully accept, and I’ll even write about it. I refuse to try other things and pay for them myself though – I’ve tried countless times (well, 4) and I’ve bled like an extra off Game of Thrones each time.
3. The bleeding
This speaks for itself. It’s not the same as a regular cut, it’s a super clean laceration and it bleeds like a sonofabitch, for a very long time. The cut is so clean that it’s easily opened up again by doing something ridiculous, like smiling. Kathryn spent £100 on a bedding set when we moved into this house and my 600 thread-count pillow case already looks like an elephant’s sanitary towel.
There are ways to make it stop quicker – I’ve stuck pieces of toilet paper on my face before and stood there like an idiot for 5 minutes just waiting. It looks like I’m trying to re-live puberty, and peeling the damn things off make me bleed again anyway. Aftershave helps, but that’s £60 a bottle. Vodka doesn’t work, I’ve tried everything except gravy! I’m desperate.
That famous scene. It’s a good job I’m a man and can hold my shit together!
It’s just shit, ok? There’s no two ways about it.
4. The price
This is a kicker. I’m 32 and my mum will still buy me the Mach 3 razors in bulk from Costco (sorry I can’t mention Costco without linking this) because she knows I’m too tight to get some myself. They’re £7.69 for four! How is that possible? It makes me angry and sad in equal proportions.
And the message I’m getting from the manufacturers is “If you want to bleed less you have to spend more”. What kind of a message is that? I’m literally losing blood because you charge too much for the semi-decent razor blades. Maybe I’ve thought too much into this, I don’t know.
The razor up from the Mach 3 is the Gillette Fusion, and listen to this – the blades are £11.29 for four. You’ve then got the Fusion ProGlide that are £13.29 for four, and finally the Fusion ProShield. The blades for this bad boy are £15.29 for four. Absolutely unbelievable.
Prices are all Boots online price as at Wednesday 12 October 2016. It’ll only get worse from here on! Feel my pain yet?
So ladies, you have your fancy PMT or PMS or whatever you like to call it these days. Some of us guys have PST – pre-shaving tension. The struggle is real.
Luckily I’ve made a few friends lately, and their beard trim game is stronger than mine will ever be. Check out their blogs:
Life of Dan: http://www.lifeofdan.co.uk
ablokeseyeview – http://www.ablokeseyeview.co.uk
Alfie B Smith – http://www.alfiebsmith.com
Give them a visit 🙂