The year is 2028. This is a letter from yourself, 10 years on. Some advice from the future, if you like. Use it as a guide, because the next 10 years are going to be a roller coaster. I suppose the phrase you’d use in 2018 is “tread on egg shells”, but since global veganism was declared mandatory in 2021, the phrase has been banned.

Advice from the future

Advice from the future
Advice from the future

I’m going to break this down into a few main parts for you. Read it a few times, memorise it, start living by these words early and you might stand a chance. It’ll be short – those of the gender you refer to as “male” are only allowed 30 minutes of screen time a week, and I’ve already been docked 8 minutes for using the wrong pronoun on Derek. She wasn’t best pleased.

The dating game

Warn your friends about this, because things are about to take a very strange turn here.

Do not approach ladies in a bar or any public place, it’s a code 42 violation and your chemical castration implant will activate by proximity alone. There are mediators now, file a permission slip with them and state your name, Y-Chromosome registration number and income. You’ll hear back within the week and you can approach the lady if she’s comfortable with it.

Do not approach ladies in a bar or any public place, it's a code 42 violation and your chemical castration implant will activate by proximity alone. Click To Tweet

Sounds harsh, right? Maybe we shouldn’t have been such dicks to them – try and influence that if you can.

The job market

The incompetency act of 2021 – a brainchild of Donald Trump so he could stay in office – stipulates that no person can be denied a position in the workplace due to race, colour, religion, gender or competency. Trump only included the latter, but the first 4 were added after riots from all 287 genders. A tough day on stores for looting – but the local tattoo and piercing industry thrived.

Anyway, stay in the position you’re in right now. In 2022 you’ll be promoted to CEO after completing the application form which, funnily enough, was blank. Companies are no longer permitted to ask any details on application forms for fear of discrimination laws kicking in. Some say it’s the only reason President Bieber is in office today.

Food for thought

The government are pumping money into researching alternative food sources. The idea that plants have personalities is being championed by activist groups (mostly comprising the cis-cis-cis-trans-cis-trans-community. That’s men, pretending to be more manly men, but really women, who started off as men who were originally women. You’ll get the hang of it). Food pills are being tested out on death row inmates and double as their execution agent. It’s their last meal and execution in one. Gluten free, of course, we’re not barbaric about it.

Food pills are being tested out on death row inmates and double as their execution agent. It's their last meal and execution in one. Gluten free, of course, we're not barbaric about it. Click To Tweet

Food bloggers are up in arms, there are only so many angles to take a picture of a pill from.

#metoo

You may remember this from 2017 – in the light of the Harvey Weinstein revelations. Well, not long after this things took a bit of a shit turn for men. If I’m honest, I’d say we had it coming. Desensitise yourself to this as soon as possible, shit’s about to get weird and the tables are about to turn. I’ll bullet-point some tips for you:

  • If you’re walking past a group of women working, you have to endure whatever they want to shout at you. Don’t protest, you’ll be seen as no fun…just carry on walking and leave them to it.
  • If a woman grabs your ass at a bar, do not react. If you complain you’ll be seen as a prude, but if you laugh it off it’ll most likely be seen as an invitation for sex. Just be careful. I know it sounds confusing, just deal with it.
  • Don’t, whatever you do, complain about any persistent unwanted advances. Especially from women in power. They will destroy your career. Endure and ignore, that’s the way to do it.

Besides, you know what they’re like, once caught they’ll just join a therapy program and announce that they’re gay. There’s nothing we can do.

For now…

…that’s it. I’ll write again, if I can afford the computer time. I work my ass off and still only make 70% of what Jess does, for the same damn job. Lame.